Sunday, 8 January 2017

supporting system

I am not in the mood of writing at all, but something just happened earlier this evening and it deserves a mark on my online journal since I wanted to remember this forever as long as I live.

During my early adulthood, I sometime wonder have I made friends with the right people? Are they really my friends or did we just stuck together and forced to be friends? Well as I examine them I assume that nature has its own way on answering one's question. several weeks after the question is up in the air, someone just broke my phone's screen for he gave an undoubtedly exciting news that tears me up, in a very good way.

And i am not going to talk about his achievements because he deserves better than an untrusted personal blog.

This is one of those friends that has always been my supporting system since ever. And no, we don't even stuck together. Meeting with the strangest condition ever, I acknowledge him since he was so famous back then when he got possessed (am I allowed to talk about this?) and long story short we finally introduce ourselves on our way back from school in an angkot and found out that we were born in the same uncommon city here in our area, Palembang. The odd does not stop there, it continues through the school council, even later become enemies on some competition but honestly i don't even know how we are friends and at this point... I do not even care.

There are just so many moments shared, especially the important ones. Of all, I remember you picked me up and then give me a 1000 rupiah originally told to pay for the parking ticket but it was actually a notes for me before I left for Gita Bahana Nusantara 2013, chat me during all the quarantine especially when I fail the audition for MPR even after I went back we used to sing sundanese song, sabilulungan together.. sometimes only via bbm :( good old days.


I even browse twitter to re-read so many funny chats and found that you actually sit and try to find my face even only for split of seconds H3H3H3H3


It is funny to realise, after more than 8 years of friendship,  we have only been a classmate for one year, and we don't even go to the same high school. But never once I doubt wether I am your friend  or not. And today I assure than I can even say I am a proud friend of yours & thank you for reminding me that i used to have big dreams and to hold on to it, still.

Lastly,

To one of the most funniest, smart, compelling yet thoughtful person I know:
Good luck with life ahead, so many great things are waiting to be done. May you find the true meaning of life & the purpose of it. I am honoured to see how much you grow and looking forward to see what the future holds. You are in my prayer :) 
See you soon!




here is to cherish those moment when you guys roll me inside my blanket like a sushi on my 17th birthday.



ps: no he is not my lover; he is way to cool for me. 

Thursday, 22 December 2016

On deadlines

usually, near deadlines... my brain has the urge to think about the most strange thing. when it is supposed to focus on my project.

today I found that,

After 20 years of living, I found out that one of the purposes of life is to find something worth dying for.

Have you find yours?

Thank God I think I have...studio deadlines.
bye.

Friday, 21 October 2016

midterm memoir

First of all.

If this is a test of life;

and you think this has anything about midterm; or memoir;

YOU. HAVE. FAILED.






you are being judgmental;

you judge something by its title.

or should it be that way?




Or am I the one who is being judgmental?

because I judge you?




or is it you

for you have judged me

on the fact you can never prove

that I may have judged you?


NAH.


My body has a very bad timing un-productivity. When I should be studying the most, that's when it does not function properly, the most. But on second thought... which sane person blame their bodies for not being able to work the way it should be? Exclude me from your answer.

Being in architecture school confuse me than any other thing I have accomplish or live in my entire life. Can I just leave life the way I wanted to leave architecture? But that means to die for. Will it be worth it? Is there anything left leaving, then? Confusing.



This is how my mind speak to me every single time for the past 5 semesters I have.

Who does not go crazy, being surrounded by such voice? Especially when it is my own.

Can I kill it?

But that means killing my self; or my own voice?




Will I be deaf then? for not hearing my own voice inside my head that does not exist but created by my mind.

But wasn't my mind busy reminding myself about how I have failed life by committing into this school?

How can I decide which one is true?

wasn't that my brain's job?


BUT IT IS DRAGGING MY MENTAL DOWN.

my brain.

her name is clearance.

at least that is how she is supposed to be.



if clearance is murdered

I will be sad

but,

Will I be mute then?

I don't know, I can't say a thing.

Am I mute then?









This is crazy.







I can only see when my eyes are half open;

Is this partial obedience?

But this works the most;










I cannot focus with two eyes opened;

When people are asking for more than two.







My perception of time is slowing down.

This is scary.








Have you ever have your own rhythm?
When things are slow, very slow; and nothing seems to bother you.
All rhythm are acceptable; as long as it is under your control.
Is it about the rhythm or about the control is all about?





But it gradually disappear and I don't know why.

If I scream will it come back?








n o p e.

This is crazy.




Saturday, 24 September 2016

20 years old; 1 reflection; 0 self esteem;


So. It's been a while (nearly 10 months) since I last promise (myself) that I would start fresh with my online journal. it's been 7 years since my very first post and boi, it was a long journey. Where does the time go?

In a middle of my first month, it's never easy to decide to write something when you know you could have been doing other-more-important thing that due in several hours but my love for writing just can't hold it no more. I need to write something here.

Enough for the introduction:

This is a reflection i made for myself; combined from so many informations i swallow these past days from books, articles, verses, preaching, and life itself.

 

Growing up in a world that is not so different with the common life owned by others, it is very hard for myself to understand that I was born with a very merry low self-esteem. It might be unreal but I was never (and still probably am) able to dare to show to others what idea is going trough my mind. I am a multi-tasker when it comes to thinking (if there is such a way) and I got so many thoughts in mind i started to lose control and forgot them as one other appears. I once come to the realisation that it was a day dream and i'm just that fast dreamer and a very imaginative person. But honestly, to live as a dreamer but can not be able to share what you are thinking is one messy thinking section itself that is destroying the other current living thoughts in my not so big cerebrum.

In my childhood, i once created a children story book or as I said to myself in my third grade as my own novel with illustration i created from paint (classic, ikr!) but when I found my mom teasing me about it I started to panic because I was so perfectionist I can not imagine people criticising my piece of work and voila, i deleted it just like that. What has been my first work for months on the first computer existed in my house is completely gone in a split of sec, and honestly over ten years later I kind of regret it. I wonder what it is that I was thinking when I was 9 years old, and I would definitely be proud of myself no matter how weird it would turn out to be.

Similar story when I had come up with a concept for what used to be our school's Mading since I was in the publication division of the School's Student Council (good old times :" yep); or when we had to come up with song arrangement, or generate a name for something, an event, scrapbooks,  or a movie idea? I almost always had it in my head what to do, what to plan, but I was so afraid it would turn out wrong, rejected, mocked, or ignored... I chose to stay silent. Not the proudest thing I would do but at the moment honestly... I feel ok the way it is. And what was once a small seed of low self esteem grow along as I grew up and now is attached to myself. It is hard to admit, but inside what people would see as a very extroverted person, lies... me :) and I am not extroverted at all. I'm just good at being an extrovert.

The second layer of my low self esteem problem is that what comes up after the realisation of it. Some says I need to evaluate myself and improve it, right? ya, i do know it is a necessity but..........it's just........hm. (excuse myself for justifying) I believe that everyone has their own limits and capacity when it comes to self esteem. And even if there are people that come from such a zero to hero self esteem story; I just don't find it attractive to see my self in that way.

Is this bad? 

Like, I find it very nice in people who are able to express themselves no matter what; They seem to have no limit and boundaries to hold them; they fight them; To be the spotlight; Well, I do appreciate them. But to be like them? I honestly believe I was born to be behind the scene.

And since I was little, I am perfectly find with it.

Is this bad?

In my early teenage time, when people are expressing what they wanted to be-most of them wanted to be doctor, artist, singer, lawyer, police, pilot, classic jobs you know-I was secretly declaring that I wanted to be a teacher. No lie. Still want to- and I had to declare my other classic dream job at that time just to fit in; When it comes to movie making... I love it to be behind the camera. Love it. Even to write stuff, I'd rather go with an anonymous name. In high school, I won a letter-writing competition and not attaching my real name on it. And you what is funnier? knowing that people are taking credits over it. But i am ok. I remember one of my friend complain to me and told me most of people would rather not do much but take more credits... but i told her, I simply not that most of people you know. And what i am then? I still believe that I am someone who was not born to be praised and be the centre of the attention, and for once I thought that this is a very inferior self thought, but hm... really?

I don't know how to deliver this; but there's this preaching that I remember on our true identity, and how our realisation of our true identity would not cause us to be superior in this life; for we know it is only Him who deserve all of the superiority. And what slapped me is that... that is not a reason to be inferior either. For us humans are made with the privilege of being the children of the Superior. How can the children of the Superior become very Inferior? there goes myself getting puzzled even more. And I seek what makes me eager to justify that it is ok to be inferior; to hide on what you are really doing; the unexposed every precious little thing. And then it just hit me trough verses that I have shared to a lot of freshmen in my campus.

Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. (Isaiah 43:3) (NIV)

on how there will be one figure that will love you no matter what;

And that is the nearest think i could think of. The reason why I am so so so so so inferior in so many levels is that... because I am a perfectionist who thinks that flaw deserves no love. But weirdly it only applies in myself. So when it is stated that He would love me no matter what; I was stupefied. And awaken. How this inferiority has limit myself over the years, when I don't need to be insecure at all for I would never lose the love; even when I do not deserve the love, grace, and mercy.