Saturday, 24 September 2016

20 years old; 1 reflection; 0 self esteem;

So. It's been a while (nearly 10 months) since I last promise (myself) that I would start fresh with my online journal. it's been 7 years since my very first post and boi, it was a long journey. Where does the time go?

In a middle of my first month, it's never easy to decide to write something when you know you could have been doing other-more-important thing that due in several hours but my love for writing just can't hold it no more. I need to write something here.

Enough for the introduction:

This is a reflection i made for myself; combined from so many informations i swallow these past days from books, articles, verses, preaching, and life itself.


Growing up in a world that is not so different with the common life owned by others, it is very hard for myself to understand that I was born with a very merry low self-esteem. It might be unreal but I was never (and still probably am) able to dare to show to others what idea is going trough my mind. I am a multi-tasker when it comes to thinking (if there is such a way) and I got so many thoughts in mind i started to lose control and forgot them as one other appears. I once come to the realisation that it was a day dream and i'm just that fast dreamer and a very imaginative person. But honestly, to live as a dreamer but can not be able to share what you are thinking is one messy thinking section itself that is destroying the other current living thoughts in my not so big cerebrum.

In my childhood, i once created a children story book or as I said to myself in my third grade as my own novel with illustration i created from paint (classic, ikr!) but when I found my mom teasing me about it I started to panic because I was so perfectionist I can not imagine people criticising my piece of work and voila, i deleted it just like that. What has been my first work for months on the first computer existed in my house is completely gone in a split of sec, and honestly over ten years later I kind of regret it. I wonder what it is that I was thinking when I was 9 years old, and I would definitely be proud of myself no matter how weird it would turn out to be.

Similar story when I had come up with a concept for what used to be our school's Mading since I was in the publication division of the School's Student Council (good old times :" yep); or when we had to come up with song arrangement, or generate a name for something, an event, scrapbooks,  or a movie idea? I almost always had it in my head what to do, what to plan, but I was so afraid it would turn out wrong, rejected, mocked, or ignored... I chose to stay silent. Not the proudest thing I would do but at the moment honestly... I feel ok the way it is. And what was once a small seed of low self esteem grow along as I grew up and now is attached to myself. It is hard to admit, but inside what people would see as a very extroverted person, lies... me :) and I am not extroverted at all. I'm just good at being an extrovert.

The second layer of my low self esteem problem is that what comes up after the realisation of it. Some says I need to evaluate myself and improve it, right? ya, i do know it is a necessity's (excuse myself for justifying) I believe that everyone has their own limits and capacity when it comes to self esteem. And even if there are people that come from such a zero to hero self esteem story; I just don't find it attractive to see my self in that way.

Is this bad? 

Like, I find it very nice in people who are able to express themselves no matter what; They seem to have no limit and boundaries to hold them; they fight them; To be the spotlight; Well, I do appreciate them. But to be like them? I honestly believe I was born to be behind the scene.

And since I was little, I am perfectly find with it.

Is this bad?

In my early teenage time, when people are expressing what they wanted to be-most of them wanted to be doctor, artist, singer, lawyer, police, pilot, classic jobs you know-I was secretly declaring that I wanted to be a teacher. No lie. Still want to- and I had to declare my other classic dream job at that time just to fit in; When it comes to movie making... I love it to be behind the camera. Love it. Even to write stuff, I'd rather go with an anonymous name. In high school, I won a letter-writing competition and not attaching my real name on it. And you what is funnier? knowing that people are taking credits over it. But i am ok. I remember one of my friend complain to me and told me most of people would rather not do much but take more credits... but i told her, I simply not that most of people you know. And what i am then? I still believe that I am someone who was not born to be praised and be the centre of the attention, and for once I thought that this is a very inferior self thought, but hm... really?

I don't know how to deliver this; but there's this preaching that I remember on our true identity, and how our realisation of our true identity would not cause us to be superior in this life; for we know it is only Him who deserve all of the superiority. And what slapped me is that... that is not a reason to be inferior either. For us humans are made with the privilege of being the children of the Superior. How can the children of the Superior become very Inferior? there goes myself getting puzzled even more. And I seek what makes me eager to justify that it is ok to be inferior; to hide on what you are really doing; the unexposed every precious little thing. And then it just hit me trough verses that I have shared to a lot of freshmen in my campus.

Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. (Isaiah 43:3) (NIV)

on how there will be one figure that will love you no matter what;

And that is the nearest think i could think of. The reason why I am so so so so so inferior in so many levels is that... because I am a perfectionist who thinks that flaw deserves no love. But weirdly it only applies in myself. So when it is stated that He would love me no matter what; I was stupefied. And awaken. How this inferiority has limit myself over the years, when I don't need to be insecure at all for I would never lose the love; even when I do not deserve the love, grace, and mercy.

This affects me a lot.

So much, it includes in my design process as an architecture student for 4 straight semesters. It is never easy to be one (architecture student), and when you are so inferior you never that sure about your design + your professors are there to find the flaw in your design idea; a low self esteem is so not helping. It is making things worse. And thank God, I randomly (THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS RANDOM NOR COINCIDENCE, I KNOW!!!) was given this wake up call right before I started my 2nd project of one of the scariest thing in my college life a 9 credits course;

Crawling out of my very little self esteem, writing this is a hard thing to do; i stop over 4 times to manage to finish this (even when all my writings never turn out how I imagined it would be since.... I forgot a lot of stuff in the end.....haha) it's a great feeling to just write and let it all go. I never hope anyone could read it but myself; and if I had to keep this private, I am afraid I would lose the password so making this public is the best decision; but you know what, what's the worst could happen with this not so important writing of mine? And relating to the only picture attached here; I once think that this cruel life take what has been the last drop of my self esteem; but the truth is... God has taken my inferiority; and turn it into... INTERIORITY? :/ ehehehe. so corny, i know. I am your future corniest interiorist. 

It is funny to see how life has changed so much. And the one that has blessed me over 20 years and more of my life, will guide, bless, and more importantly strengthen me for the next 20 years and more :)


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